Lust and Love: 9 Biblical Differences
The veiled difference between love and lust is one reason the church is carnal today. Many Christians have mistaken love for lust. Where there is lust, the presence of the Holy Spirit departs. Where there is love, God dwells.
1) Lust Is Crowded with Lies
2Samuel 13:1 “Go to bed and pretend to be ill,” Jonadab said. “When your father comes to see you, say to him, ‘I would like my sister Tamar to come and give me something to eat. Let her prepare the food in my sight so I may watch her and then eat it from her hand.’”
Have you found friends who say they love you but lie to you all the time? Maybe a spouse who does the same. Many young ladies become victims of premarital pregnancies because a man feed them lies they cannot resist. Sometimes, the man in question is too young to take care of himself, let alone starts a family. Some ladies, being naïve and eager to satisfy their lust, quickly believe the lies. Many marriages today are built on lies and unfulfilled promises; that is why divorce is so rampant.
Lust is also present in the church, where brothers and sisters cannot wait to hear from God about their relationships. They go ahead and satisfy their lust, and when the marriage begins to shake, they start calling on God.
There are people who claim to be your friends but cannot tell you where they are going. You ask, “Where are you going?” They say, “Somewhere.” Love is clean, clear, and open. A true friend who claims to love you will give clarity about where they are. They will say, “I am going to the football field with John.” When you ask, “Where to?” and they become upset, saying, “Must you always know where I am going?” something is wrong.
Some spouses cannot tell their partners where they are going or whom they are going to see. It is always “somewhere” and “someone.” Accountability means your loved ones know where you are and with whom. Make your life traceable to those who love you. Unnecessary secrets invite unnecessary temptations.
People show unfriendly signs every day, but we often turn a blind eye. Our world is preceded by signs. Before Jesus was born, there was a star. Jesus also spoke of signs in Matthew 24. Retrace your steps from people who are always going somewhere, coming from somewhere, talking to someone, or being with somebody.
2) Lust Pretends All the Time
2Samuel 13:6 So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. When the king came to see him, Amnon said to him, “I would like my sister Tamar to come and make some special bread in my sight, so I may eat from her hand.”
Amnon pretended to be sick to lure his sister in. Keep away from people who pretend to be sick or in trouble to receive love and attention from you.
The use of worldly methods to find love is prevalent in the Church of God. Instead of humbling ourselves and praying for a spouse, Christians find whoever catches their attention and put them to the test.
Some test women with money. A guy could scatter his house when a lady is visiting to see whether she would arrange it. If she did, he considered her a good woman. But a clean lady might see such behavior as irresponsible.
Some test men with challenges. A lady told her lover she was stranded at midnight at the market square and asked him to come and take her home. When he arrived, he could not find her. She later said she was testing him to see whether he could fight for her when they were married. People who claim to love you should not put you in danger.
Some people, after living wasteful lives and realizing that time is running out, join the choir, praise team, or another church department just to find a life partner. Christians who are not discerning can become entangled with such pretenders in holy matrimony. The Bible teaches us to be discerning because the times are evil.
Do not pretend to win people’s approval. People who love you do not need pretense to prove that they care. Do not pretend to be sick, unemployed, poor, or without a family just to test someone’s love.
These pretenses come from functioning without the leadership of the Holy Spirit. If a decision is Holy Spirit-driven, you will not need to test someone’s loyalty.
Some people pretend they are poor to see whether their partner can put up with them in their poor state. If you are prayerful enough, the Holy Spirit will put you in that financial situation without you having to manipulate or test anyone, allowing you to see the true selfishness of the partner you intend to marry. There is no more trust and faith amongst believers, but doubt, fear, disbelief, and suspicion. This is because Christians are using the ways of the world.
Why tempt people? The devil does that, and that is enough already. Do not partner with the devil and cause people to sin against God unnecessarily. Before Satan puts anyone to the test, God has weighed that person on a balance before agreeing to it. Do you have the balance with which God weighs the tendencies of the soul?
Like April Fool’s Day, these kinds of practices should not be part of Christian life. An entire village almost wept and mourned because someone played an April Fool’s prank by falsely announcing his cousin’s death in town.
If difficult times come in people’s lives, God provides grace. But when you test people, you have not provided the grace that comes with the trial. So, expect them to betray you.
3) Lust Is Selfish
People should not need you only when they want to satisfy their ego. They call you when they get stuck. They just hide things, including their bags, their phones, and their rooms—they lock everything away as though you are a thief.
Lust does not necessarily have to be sexual desire; it can also mean people needing you selfishly to satisfy their needs. You have a desire you want to accomplish, so you appear to love people. That’s not love; that’s a manifestation of lust to satisfy personal desires. Amnon wanted to satisfy his carnal urge; that is why he needed his stepsister.
It is hard to find relationships today where people sit and discuss each other’s future, what they aspire to be, and their future plans. It is always about the lust they will satisfy and the money they will get. So, throughout the relationship, the girl thinks of money, while the guy thinks of sex. It has become common even within the church. A lady finds it boring when the man speaks of future plans, prayers, fasting, and business. The guy finds it boring if the lady is future-oriented and business-wise. What we should adore, we abhor, and what we should abhor, we adore.
Why should a man or lady who is not your spouse or courtship partner undergoing marriage counselling be romantic to you? What has romance got to do with Christian friendship? The way the people of the world behave, we as Christians adopt it too. They date; we also date. They bring romance into friendship; we also bring it. They go out mostly at night; we, too, as Christians, imitate them. Why would a Christian stay throughout Saturday doing nothing just to take a friend out at night? What happens to 1 p.m. or 4 p.m.? Must it be at 8 p.m. or 9 p.m.? This is fishy!
It is about what they want and not what you want. Someone who is concerned about what you want will tell you that it is risky to be out late at night having fun. Someone who is truly concerned about what you want will tell you, “We cannot be in this place alone; it could stir up carnal passion.” This is one of the reasons why some women are abused. When you find people in trouble, don’t just get disturbed and quickly become merciful; most of the time, they caused it, and they saw it coming.
Why would a lady of 18 years old marry someone as old as her father? It is lust after money. It is self-centeredness. The same man, though old, will not want someone as old as he is to marry his own 18-year-old girl. Likewise, a girl of 18, having a child, will not want her 18-year-old daughter to marry a man of 70 years old.
Why would a boy who cannot untie his sandals be throwing promises at a lady? The same boy making those promises will not want another boy as young as he is throwing promises at his own sisters. This is all lust and selfishness.
4) Lust Is Full of Tactics
There are many tactics people use today to get lovers or attention. You do not need tactics for people to love, care for, and pamper you. We have a thousand and one tactics online on how to get a lady or get a man. Those tactics are given by people who do not even know God, and many Christians practice them.
Amnon’s friend gave him a tactic to get Tamar instead of telling him to go to the king and ask for his half-sister’s hand in marriage. His half-sister said, “Ask the king; surely he will give me to you.” The half-sister was ready to marry him, and all he needed was approval from the king. Beware of the kinds of friends around you, especially when they do not get their advice from the Bible or from God. Their advice can become an evil thing. At first, it may seem right, but it can lure you into shame and disgraceful actions.
God laid this on my heart: “The wisdom of the world is not from the devil, but he who relies on it is like a farmer who plants his crops upon the rock.”
We can get academic wisdom, social wisdom, parental wisdom, and so on. Of course, crops may grow on the rock where there is soil—moss plants, some vegetables, and grasses—but for how long? Could you write a business plan proposing farming on the rock because moss plants grow on the rock? Even the most undiscerning person in the world will not invest in it.
Most tactics online are lustful tactics. So, a lady has to dress provocatively, wear long eyelashes, or adopt other tactics to get a man. Decency is a part of life and has a role as far as love is concerned, but many of the tactics today are designed to lure people to bed prematurely. The gym has become a place to build six-packs to lure vulnerable ladies; it is no longer simply a sporting complex as it used to be.
You do not get a life partner by using tactics, but by prayer, decency, self-development, and pressing towards a bright future. Love comes freely. Love is not harsh, pushy, hard, or depressed. Some people’s love life is like an abandoned vehicle. They are just managing in the relationship. Love becomes a burden instead of something to enjoy.
5) Lust Produces Hate
After he knew her carnally, he hated her more. No one uses you to satisfy his lust and still truly needs you. We see that across the world today, where a wife kills her husband and vice versa. Why would a husband stab his own wife to death because of a mistake she made? His hatred becomes greater than the love he had for her.
Some people go to the extent of burning their fiancé’s house—a 20-year investment.
When lust has found its expression and been satisfied, hatred fills the vacuum. There is lust for bodily pleasures, lust for money, lust for cars, houses, fame, and many other things. When what they lust after is no longer provided, it can result in a hell of hatred one cannot fathom.
If people kill their wives, husbands, burn innocent children, and hurt many others, then what they had was not love. Imagine if God was to destroy us because we hurt Him; no one would have been left on earth. But each day, He tolerates us, hoping we can one day change.
When people hurt your feelings and do not want to repent, you walk away. People covered in lust can be unfaithful, but we should not murder them and justify it with reasons: “Oh, these kids are not mine,” or, “After all, he cheats on me.” You simply walk away.
Some people need money, and when you can no longer provide money, even for one week, they become beasts. Some need beauty, and when something happens, whether an accident or fire disfigured the beauty, they run away.
Love is pure and comes without demands, but it cannot rest until it meets needs. Love is not about giving, but you cannot love without giving. As a man, if you say you love a lady, but the lady makes demands all the time, that is fake love. The lady demands nothing most of the time, but the man cannot rest until he meets her needs. As a lady, if you say you love a man, but the man makes demands always, that is fake love. The man demands nothing most of the time, but the lady cannot rest until she meets his needs. Love quickly meets needs without always asking for anything in return from both parties involved.
6) Lust Finds Expression in Dark Places
2Samuel 13:9 “Then she took the pan and served him the bread, but he refused to eat. “Send everyone out of here,” Amnon said. So everyone left him.”
Why do many people go out at night? Night is a time when bad things are done without anyone noticing. Even though people often say that going out at night is because they go to work and come back late, that is not always true.
On a cozy Saturday or Sunday, or on a public holiday, two people stay home, doing nothing, just to wait until 8 p.m. to go out. These kinds of outings can create an environment where lust finds expression.
That is why Amnon had to ask everyone to leave so that he could be alone with Tamar, allowing his lust to find expression. Sexual lust finds expression in lonely places and in the dark. If, on a cozy Saturday, a guy stays all day just to call you by 9 p.m. to go out, reject it. There are many nice, fresh, and beautiful places where you can meet in the afternoon.
Avoid night visits. Avoid being in places where lust can find expression, and start being in places where love can breathe.
7) Love Is Kind; Lust Is Harsh
2Samuel 13:14 “But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.”
Love cannot coexist with constant hurt. Deliberately devising ways to wound, destroy, or humiliate others cannot be called love. A person may claim to love others, yet bring no sense of peace to those who come near. Correction becomes harsh, every little mistake becomes an opportunity for nagging, and life becomes unbearable for those around them.
Love makes room for patience, gentleness, understanding, correction, and growth. It does not create an atmosphere of fear, constant pain, or destruction.
8) Lust Does Not Wait
If you just cannot wait, what you feel is not love. Love does not bring pressure. If you cannot wait to finish your school, your apprenticeship, or any service that will help you build a good home, then what you feel is more like lust.
The Bible says, “Go and till the field, plant your crops, then come set up a home.”
People quit education to marry, not because they were pressured by parents, but because they could not just wait. People cannot just wait to come of age, to become strong and capable mentally, financially, spiritually, and socially. God is never in a hurry for anything.
Amnon could not wait to talk to the king about his stepsister. He could not follow due process because lust does not follow due process.
God gives us the command to wait—wait in prayer, fasting, and righteousness, so that we can enjoy the best life possible. When we engage in God’s kind of “wait,” there is a guarantee of a bright future, bright relationships, and a great expected end.
9) Lust Enslaves
Lust imprisons people. Lust preys on people’s weaknesses. Tamar was kind and loving, only for Amnon to prey on that.
Some people take advantage of those who are kind by asking for money repeatedly, knowing that their generosity makes it difficult for them to say no. They prey on the weakness of generosity, asking a spouse or friend for money even when it is not needed, simply because the person has a better job.
Some men also take advantage of a wife’s kindness and hospitality by bringing their entire extended family to live under the same roof, even when there is no genuine crisis. The young woman gradually becomes the household cook, serving the family for years until she grows old. When the man eventually sees his wife exhausted and worn out, he may begin looking for affection elsewhere.
A woman, having a good man, decides to enslave him. She asks for money and sends it to her mom. She lies again, takes money, and sends it to her sister. Then again to her brother and friend. You did not marry that man so that he could feed your entire family and friends—you married him to fulfil God’s plans for your lives.
